


Guilt

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 22:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16962924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: They are searching for a way to fix what has been done to the universe. They blame themselves but, at the same time, they know there is no one to blame.Everybody knows that but Thor.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched the trailer the other day and I needed to write something about anything! It was so depressing... I have been wanting to write a Thor/Bruce since I watched Ragnarok but I never had the idea to make it happen till the trailer. So this is what I came up with.
> 
> English is not my first language so I apologize for the mistakes.

Thor passes the days by himself. When there are no meetings he does not spend his free time with the rest. Thor trains alone, eats alone, sleeps alone... He runs from the company of others. Natasha has tried to talk with him with zero results as did Steve. Thor smiles at everybody and repeats the same words over and over; “I’m fine... I’m fine...” It is painfully obvious he is not fine but nobody knows what to say.

All of them blame themselves. Steve should have taken better decisions and should have reached Tony a long time ago. Natasha should have been able to sacrifice Vision because she is the expert in making the hard and cruel decision when the times ask for it. And Bruce should have been able to call the Hulk; he should have been a better contender against Thanos. Consciously all of them know that what happened it is not their fault but sometimes they forget and they need somebody else to remember them that it is not their fault. They did their best. They tried and they fought with all they had.

Bruce knows that.

Steve knows that.

Natasha knows that.

They fought and they tried... they are fighting right now. They are trying to find a way to defeat Thanos. They are searching for a way to fix what has been done to the universe. They blame themselves but, at the same time, they know there is no one to blame.

Everybody knows that but Thor.

Bruce can feel the guilt spreading through his body. Bruce can feel the shame asphyxiating Thor every second. Because Thor doesn’t understand it is not his fault. Thor blames himself because he should have aimed for the head because he shouldn’t have desired to see life leaving his eyes. Thor blames himself because winning the battle was more important than avenging his brother and kingdom... Thor, the one who came back from death to fight when he didn’t have anything to fight for, blames himself because he didn’t aim for the head. Thor, the one who saved all of them in a fight they were losing, blames himself because he shouldn’t have aimed for the heart.

Bruce has tried almost everything to make Thor feel better, but it is almost impossible. Thor is lost and lonely and Bruce doesn’t know what to do. Sometimes he sits by his side, some others he waits for him in the kitchen or the backyard where Thor spends hours looking at the sky. They rarely speak because Bruce is not good with words and Thor only speaks to apologize over and over again. It is heartbreaking.

Natasha and Steve always ask about Thor. They are worried but they don’t know what to do. Steve has lost the ability to inspire people and Natasha is trying to have Clint back. And Bruce is the only one who understands Thor enough to be around him without making him run away.

“Do you think we will find the way to fix... this?” Bruce asks one day to Natasha when Steve is not around. These days she is the only one who can ask honestly that question.

“Honestly? Yes.” Natasha is sure of that.

“How can you be so sure?”

“We are alive.” She says. “And I have Clint again.” Since Natasha found Clint she has been more positive. Clint is lost in a dark path of hate, misery and pain but Natasha is happy to have him back. Bruce doesn’t understand how it is possible she can be so positive with having Clint back when he is in such state. “I don’t need you to understand why I’m being so happy with... Clint is alive and... You don’t understand but Clint is hope.”

Clint is hope. Natasha has been repeating those words since they found him. She is sad and scared but, at the same time, she is so happy. She is determined to give Clint his family back. Clint has given her something Bruce can’t understand. Natasha is not thinking about revenge but about a solution. She is the only one with hope. And that hope is starting to infect the rest, even Clint... well everybody but... Thor has the same resolution. Thor wants to undo the snap but it is not hope what Thor has.

“It’s true. I don’t understand.” Bruce accepts. “But I’m glad.”

“Clint is lost... it’s the first time I see him like this but... Clint is there, I know it. There is kindness in his eyes.” Bruce can’t see it but he trusts Natasha. “I’ve been lost just like him but Clint found me and gave me something I didn’t know I had.” There are so many things Clint gave Natasha. “He is as lost as I was back then and what I have to do is remind him who he is and all the things he has, he can have back.”

“I can’t believe you are the one giving us pep talks.” They laugh because it is funny and ironic.

“And I can’t believe it is you the one taking care of Thor.”

“I’m not taking care of Thor.”

“Of course you are.” Natasha says back. “And it is amazing. I don’t know what happened in Sakaar but I’m so glad because it is the first time I see you trusting other person.” She is being honest.

They look at each other and Bruce understands. She is right. The Hulk and Bruce trust Thor and it is the first time something like this happens. They like Thor... love him... And Bruce understands his feeling and Natasha’s feeling for Clint. And Bruce understands his feelings for Natasha as well. They smile at each other. They were monsters but that is not what makes them so similar now. They were monsters but not anymore. They have found somebody who has reminded them what they truly are; humans.

It is a good moment to talk about...

“Natasha...”

“I’m sorry for what I did.” She cuts him. “I betrayed your trust and made a decision for you. I turned you into the Hulk after you expressly told me you didn’t want to.”

“It was a difficult situation.”

“It doesn’t matter. What I did was wrong and it helped me to understand that I liked you even loved you but not...” She doesn’t finish the sentence. “I love you but not... I wouldn’t have done that to Clint, no matter the situation.” She wants him to understand that there is no excuse for what she did.

“You are right. I love you but not in that way. I guess I found in you a person which made me feel less lonely.” Bruce says and Natasha nods.

 “I’m glad you’ve found a person you can trust.”

“Don’t you think it is weird?”

“More than weird but it is fine and I’m glad.” She replies.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him.” Bruce wants to help Thor but doesn’t know what to do. Maybe Natasha can help him. She has been with Clint since the first day and he has never seen her tired or hopeless. Bruce envies that.

“You are doing enough.”

“I’m not doing anything! I just...” He is not doing anything.

“You are giving him company and hope. You are giving him a reason to fight. Sometimes that is all a person needs.”

“Are you speaking from experience?” She nods.

“It will be good for us. Steve is at his limit and the best way to help him is preparing ourselves for when the time comes.” She is right like always. Bruce is about to leave the room in order to find Thor when Natasha stops him. “You should tell him.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea or the time.”

“Never will be the right moment and maybe later you won’t have the chance.” Natasha says. She is right. Bruce has been thinking about that lately. He wants to tell him. Bruce wants to share his feelings, being honest with him. But the most he thinks about that the most he realizes he can’t do that to Thor. Bruce doesn’t want to put the weight of his feelings over Thor’s shoulders.

“Did you do it?” He asks. He knows so little about her relationship with Clint.

“Yes.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No.” She says honestly. “I don’t regret it. I felt free and Clint made everything better. He is an honest person and compassionate and kind. He didn’t say stupid excuses. He accepted my feelings and told me he loved me but not in the same way. And then he asked me if his feelings were enough for me?” Natasha smiles at the memory. “He was worried. He didn’t want to lose me.”

Bruce has to admit that he envies their relationship. It is so pure and honest. There are no lies between them and Natasha always looks so genuinely happy around Barton.

“He treated me with respect and love. Nothing changed between us. He kept trusting me with his life and I did the same.”

Bruce wants that too. He wants to have what they have because it is perfect and warm.

“I know you’re having doubts.”

“I don’t want to impose... I don’t... Thor doesn’t deserve the weight of my feelings over his shoulders.”

“Thor and Clint are not so different.” Natasha starts saying. “Steve, Clint, Thor... they are very similar in some aspects. They are honest and compassionate. They are kind... They are good people. They would accept your feelings without making you feel bad or ashamed. They would feel honoured.” Natasha knows people, she is really good at reading people so Bruce listens carefully. “And the three of them would give you an answer about their own feelings without making you feel bad.”

“But still...”

“Don’t be scare. Love is not a feeling to be ashamed of.” She adds. Natasha is right. Bruce knows she is right but... “In the middle of this chaos and misery, your feelings are refreshing and I’m sure they will make Thor happy.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“He appreciates your company so I’m sure this will make him happy.” Natasha stands up and gets ready to leave the room. She will probably go with Clint. She spends a lot of time with him, trying to help him. Nobody knows what they do together but day by day Clint looks better.

“What do you do to help him?”

“The only thing I can do. I make him company.”

“Nothing else?”

“Sometimes the best thing we can do for our loved one is to be there for them.” It sounds so stupid and simple but at the same time so real. Natasha kisses his cheek with a smile. “Be brave.”

Bruce nods and looks at her while she goes. After some seconds he goes to Thor who is looking at the sky in the backyard. Bruce sits by his side in silence. He should say something but he never knows what to say. He is scared of saying the wrong thing.

“You should be sleeping.” It is the first thing that crosses his mind.

“I’m a god. I don’t need to sleep like you humans do.”

“But you need to rest.”

“Dear friend Banner, if someone here should be in the need of rest it is you.” He looks sad but at least he is trying to smile.

“I would rather be here with you.” It is not the right moment but as Natasha said it will never be the right moment. Thor is mourning and blaming himself for what happened with Thanos. He is sad all the time and living the battle over and over in his head. It is not the right time but when will be? This is the only moment for them. This is their lives. This is what they have. Bruce doesn’t think about anything else that is not Thor. “I love you.” The words come out of his mouth abruptly but Bruce doesn’t regret them. He is not very good at this. “I love you.” He repeats because it feels right. “I love you.” He is smiling now and nodding his head. Bruce looks at Thor whose face shows confusion and surprise.

“What...?” He doesn’t know what to say. “Why...?” It is all Thor can ask. He looks sad and ashamed and the guilt is shining in his eyes. “Why?” His voice sounds broken and breathless.

“People usually don’t have reasons to love others.”

“I... I destroyed our future.”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

“It was my fault. I was being dominated by my hubris and my need for revenge.” Thor says back. His eyes are shinning and Bruce is afraid he can start crying. Thor hasn’t cried. Never. After what happened he stood there with a sad expression but no tear falling through his cheek. Bruce has never seen him cry. However, now he looks like he won’t be able to fight the tears. “I should have aimed for the head. I should... I could have ended him and I failed... How can you say...?”

“If I should blame anyone about what happened... you would be the last person.” Bruce says guiding his hand to Thor’s shoulder. “Tony, Steve and the rest were in the middle of a quarrel, the Hulk didn’t want to come out to help, Wanda should have been fighting since the beginning, Vision... we all made the wrong decisions during the battle.” They all did something wrong. They tried their best but everybody made mistakes constantly. “But you... you risked your life and made all the right decisions, you put yourself in danger in order to get a weapon against Thanos, you came back even when you didn’t have any reason to... You saved us and...”

“And I stabbed him in the chest because I wanted to see the life abandoning his eyes.” Thor completes the sentence. “I was seeking revenge and it blinded me. All I could think about was making him suffer. When my axe cut his armour and went through his flesh... I was in delight...”

Thor has never talked about that moment. He has apologized hundreds of times for what he did but he has never given any kind of explanation. Bruce wasn’t very fond of Loki but Thor adored him. Thor has forgiven his brother every time, no matter what he had done. Thor has smiled at Loki with love and forgiveness and has defended him with fervour. The Hulk was the one who saw what happened in the ship and is terrified. Bruce can only imagine the suffering Thor had to endure after losing everything one more time. Thor is a god, but in this moment he is so human. He looks small and in need. Thor is mourning the loss of his people and brother.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was my fault!” Thor sounds mad and Bruce doesn’t blame him for that. He needs this. “My brother died because of me. I failed to Midgardians and my own people. If I just had gone for the head...” And after that Thor is incapable of continue. “He told me...” He is broken.

Bruce hugs him and finally he feels he is helping. Thor is crying and he is letting go all the guilt he has been hiding from the rest. He is letting out everything; his regrets and thoughts. He is not repeating over and over he is fine. Thor has not been fine since he lost his father and he didn’t have the time to mourn anyone properly because he has been fighting since then. He fought his sister, the Hulk, death, Thanos... and after all those fights he has been trying to find a way to make everything right again. He has been blaming himself for weeks for everything and never gave himself the time and the forgiveness that he clearly needs and deserves.

Bruce doesn’t know what to say. Words are not his thing. He can talk for hours about any of his PhDs but when it comes to human interaction, he is completely lost. The words in his head sound forced and fake. Thor deserves something better than an ‘it’s not your fault’. But Bruce doesn’t know the words. Even the Hulk could be more helpful. So he does the only thing he believes it will help Thor. He hugs him against his chest. Thor is enormous but in this moment he feels like a child. Thor’s hands grab his clothes and Bruce can feel the desperation and sadness.

“I just wanted to avenge my brother.” He sobs. “I just wanted to get revenge...” Bruce understands the feeling and the pain. “I just wanted to savour the victory and honour my brother’s death.”

“And that’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He didn’t do anything wrong. All of them tried their best. They did what they could and they lost. What happened is nobody’s fault. There is nobody to blame. And Thor shouldn’t be blaming himself like this, after everything.

“I shouldn’t have gone for the head.” Thor is like this because he failed his brother because he believes he failed his brother and the rest of the universe. He is just trying to deal with everything he has lost. This is the only way he has found to keep going and it is not healthy and it is not fair for him. And Bruce is not going to let him down. He is going to be by his side and he is going to remember him why to love him is worth it. “I don’t deserve your...”

“Don’t say that.” Bruce asks. “Please don’t say that.” It is so heartbreaking to see him like this. Thor is positive by nature. He has never lost faith. Thor has always had the strength to overcome anything. So to see him like this feels so wrong. “You are worth it. And I love you because you are amazing and special. You care about people. You cared about the Hulk and my needs. You are the first person who acknowledged the Hulk and me and tried to be friends with the two of us.” Thor has tried to talk to the Hulk after everything. He didn’t ask him to join them to defeat Thanos, Thor just wanted to know if he was alright. Thor has been searching along the rest for solutions. He has trained harder than anyone. Thor has fought against his melancholia and sorrow to be here with them. “I’m not asking for anything here, I just want you to know that I love you...” Bruce stops to think better his next words. “I lied, I’m gonna ask you something.” Thor looks at Bruce with tears in his eyes. “Stop blaming yourself. I’m gonna ask you to forgive yourself.” That’s the only thing he needs. It’s the only thing he is going to ask Thor. “It is fine.”

 “It is not.” Thor speaks after a long silence. “It was my fault. I wasn’t thinking about killing Thanos. I just wanted revenge. I wanted revenge for my brother. I wanted to hurt him. This is my fault.”

“I know what you feel.” Bruce feels the guilt as well. Bruce can feel it. “I know what you’re thinking... And it’s not true.”

“I failed my people.” Thor continues like he needs Bruce to blame him. Thor wants to feel blamed for what he did. “I failed Midgardians. I failed my brother...”

“You did everything you could. And that honours you. You are an honourable man.”

“I am unworthy.”

 “You didn’t fail anyone.” Bruce says back without giving him time to add anything else. Thor has to listen. Thor has to understand. “You are worth it. And I love you.” It is important he understands. Thor has to forgive himself.” You are a good person, honest and compassionate. You fight with passion; with honour for what is right. And you never give up...” Bruce doesn’t know where he is going with all this but he has to say it. Thor deserves to hear this. “You are here, fighting... after everything you are here. You’re trying to help us. And I see you every day, when you are alone, waiting for something.... I love you because after all the pain you’re here. And I love you because of that. Because you are nice to everyone, even now. You are nice to everyone.” And while he is speaking, Bruce understands Natasha. She was right. And now he understands why she would never regret being honest with Clint. Bruce deserves to express his feelings and Thor deserves to hear them. “And you were nice to me, to the Hulk. I don’t care what you say. You are worth it and I love you.”

Thor cups his face with his hands. Bruce trembles and feels the ghost of a kiss over his lips. He is not sure about what is going to happen. He has to admit that Natasha was right. This feel freeing and correct no matter what Thor tells him now. Bruce feels right about his own feelings and desires. Thor doesn’t say anything. He just moves his face closer to Bruce’s. He is giving him time to move away, but Bruce doesn’t move. He wants this. Their lips meet after long seconds. Thor is delicate like he is afraid of something. Bruce savours the moment. None of them rushes the kiss. It is comforting. Bruce wishes Thor feels better. Bruce wants to take away the guilt from Thor. Bruce fights to alleviate all the pain from Thor with that touch.

“I love you.” Thor whispers against Bruce’s lips. His voice sounds light. Bruce looks at his eyes. There are pain and grief but he can see hope as well. There is something new shinning in them. And for the first time in weeks, Thor is smiling. It is not a bright smile but at least, there is happiness in that gesture. His eyes show joy. They lay down in the grass and Thor hugs him with one arm. “I am sorry.” He says suddenly. He doesn’t explain why but Bruce understands.

Bruce is aware this is a bad time for Thor. Bruce knows he will have to remember to Thor over and over that what happened it is not his fault. He knows some days will be exhausting but it will be worth it. If he can make him smile it will be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I need people being nice to Thor because I think he will blame himself for what happened and that's not fair for him after everything he had to endure. I want to see him happy again. I want to see all of them happy again!!!
> 
> I don't know if this will have another chapter. I have ideas but I'm not completely sure about how to put together everything that is in my mind...
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcomed!
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://the-hawk-eye-fics.tumblr.com/)


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